Rule #4 – Write from your experiences
I’m considering adding another rule to my collection. This
one says “It’s all about perspective”. When you think about it, perspective is
the key to everything in life, not just a term used by artists.
The past few years have changed my perspective on a great
many things. I’ve been forced to rethink many of the tenets that guided me as I
grew up. Society was different in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. Life was pre-scripted,
roles were defined clearly, and raising children looked very similar to
programming a computer. You told it what to do and it did it. Those were the
days…
Now, after the gut-kicking I got from life a few years ago,
nothing is the same. I’ve analyzed myself and my personality traits. I’ve
looked at my life as a wife and mother… and as a teacher…and as a woman of a
certain age. I now have the blessings to feel loved, liberated, crazy,
eccentric, childlike, alone, fearless, lonely, sad, emotional… and I can go on
and on. I’m beginning to finally understand what these terms mean. Especially
the alone and lonely terms – I thought they were the same thing. Now I know
they are not.
The dictionary defines “alone” as:
-separate,
apart or isolated,
-to the
exclusion of all others and all else
-unique,
unequalled, unexcelled
-solitary,
solely
-only, exclusively
-without
aid or help
It defines “lonely” as:
-affected
with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone,
lonesome
-destitute
of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.
-lone,
solitary, without company, companionless
-remote
from places of human habitation, desolate, unfrequented, bleak
-standing
apart, isolated
(Source:
Dictionary.reference.com. Retrieved 16Jul2015, 11:00)
What the two words have in common is the concept of “solitary”
or “one”. The word “alone” – at least to me – has a positive vibe to it. No,
not kidding. There is something about being alone that is empowering. Think of
what might go through the mind of a baby as they let go and stand alone for the
first few times. When you get past the “what the…?” look on the child’s face,
you can see the little brain formulating plans of attack and possible
destruction as curiosity takes over and they see all the things they can now
get into. The child is free! They can move about! Look out world; here they
come!
I’ve been alone now for quite a while. There is a feeling of
empowerment and liberation with my status. Yes, now I can do what I want, go
where I want, eat what I want when I want (or not at all) without checking
someone else’s schedule. Life is all mine right now. And the accountability is
all mine now too. When I make a mistake, I have no one to blame but me. Success
is all mine, but so is failure. If I choose not to work on a project, I can no
longer complain that nothing gets done. It’s my own damn fault.
I’ve stretched myself as a single person. My bucket list is
getting items ticked off it slowly but surely… just to add more items to the
list. I tried to reenter the dating scene only to revisit the emotional
discomfort of puberty.
I’ve even done “master-dating”. Now don’t freak – this is a
real term defined in the Urban Dictionary. It means doing normally communal things
like going to the movies, plays, concerts, and restaurants, and sitting by
yourself. The dictionary says the term applies mostly to men, because when they
are seen alone, others in the crowd look at them sympathetically, like the guys
are pathetic losers. Solo restaurant
trips are common for me. I go to the movies solo also, with no problem. I
recently attended a concert on my own, even though I met up with my cousin when
I arrived. I’ve even gone to baseball games by myself – you can eavesdrop
better when you are by yourself. The rest of the crowd becomes your
entertainment.
Finally in life, I’ve met myself… and I like me and we get
along. It’s only taken me… how long?
Many a day is spent by myself at home or in my “office” (a
whopping 10-second commute from my bedroom). I spend my alone time writing,
researching, gardening, imagining (goes with the writing), dreaming (ditto,
writing), occasionally cleaning (yuk!), praying, cooking for myself, reading
and more reading. Since I’ve learned that I am a functional introvert, this
alone time is necessary to recharge my energy level. The recharge is needed,
because when I’m out in society, I participate in a number of group activities.
I sing with the chorus and church choir, am a member of our garden club, work
with the bereavement ministry at church catering funeral receptions, go to
group therapy sessions, and more. I am with other people most of the time,
working on projects, performing, discussing, collaborating… using a lot of
energy to keep myself busy. This isn’t the busyness that comes from avoiding
the empty house or of feeling lonely; it’s productive busyness. And I withdraw
to recharge. I don’t feel the need to be in touch or available at all times.
(Take that, Verizon Wireless!)
But, am I lonely? You can look at my schedule and think, “No
way! She’s too involved with things to be lonely.” I must confess that I still
get lonely some times. Right after Hub died, I felt the depressive loneliness,
like a fish out of water not sure where to turn for my next breath. Now I feel
the loneliness when I realize what he’s missing by not being here. It’s more a
sadness than a depression. So, maybe I’m not lonely – not a question – a statement
of fact. And you can feel lonely in a happy marriage, when you are in a crowd
and ignored, or when you are in the work place and reminded that what you do
really doesn’t matter in the great scheme of the corporation.
And do I still miss
Hub? Sure, I do, no doubt.
Lonely is a state of mind and alone is a state of being. I
live daily in Alone, but am working to keep away from Lonely. Fear is a good
buddy to Lonely, and I refuse to live anywhere near Fear. I can choose to be alone.
And I can choose to allow Lonely to take possession of me. I choose to be alone
for now, and there’s nothing for me to fear.
No Fear. Choice. And it’s all about perspective.
